I still speak practically no Chinese. Seeing as I currently reside in China, this can make daily life challenging, or at the very least frustrating from time to time. When forced to interact in someway with a Chinese person, I usually just resort to a troubled expression and simple hand gestures. Often times when completely baffled by me, another Chinese man or woman will be brought over to give a second opinion on what it could be that I’m trying to say. I’m essentially Lassie trying to tell the local sheriff that Timmy has fallen down the well, “What? What’s that boy? I think he’s trying to tell us something!”. The main difference being that at least people are usually excited and eager to help Lassie. No Chinese person wants to get stuck trying to help sort out a white guys restaurant bill.
A major difference between Korea and China is that when this type of situation arose in Korea, most Koreans got pretty flustered. As if they should be embarrassed for not being able to speak English, despite the fact that I’m the one living in their country. Chinese people on the other hand, tend to find the whole thing to be kind of funny or they just refuse to deal with the situation at all. I feel like most Chinese people assume that I’m not at all embarrassed by these encounters. I think that in the minds of a lot of Chinese, foreigners are just a relatively care free, silly and (when in China) helpless bunch. When in reality every time one of these interactions takes place I feel completely ashamed of my inability to converse on even the most basic level. One would think that such shame would lead me to studying up on the language, but no, the shame has to compete with my laziness, which as it turns out, is a pretty worthy opponent.
Out of all the situations where I wish I spoke Chinese, the most frustrating one has to be when I need a hair cut. I went almost two months here without getting one for the first time, mainly due to fear of an outcome that I wouldn’t be able to control. After all, there are a lot of aggressive, in your face hairstyles in China, (probably making up for years of bowl cuts) and it’d be horrible to sit there and not be able to verbally put the brakes on a potential fashion mohawk hybrid cut. So needless to say I always need to find a place that speaks English.
File this under hairstyles that I couldn’t rock.
Finding a hair salon in Beijing is about as easy as finding a Chinese restaurant in Beijing. I can’t imagine a city with more hair cutting options actually. At times it seems like there’s about 1 hair salon per every 3.48 Chinese people in Beijing. All of which are manned by tiny skinny jean wearing, effeminate Chinese 20 somethings. There is essentially a red army of shiny blazer clad, dyed haired stylists out there. In fact, if you are fabulously gay or even just a really over the top metro-sexual living in Beijing, the job opportunities are seemingly endless. Finding a salon only becomes a problem when you need one that speaks English.
Currently I travel across the city to a place called “Beauty World”. Now I’ve never considered myself to be the most manly of guys, (I can’t fix or build anything, I’ve seen quite a few seasons of Project Runway, I really like electronic pop music etc) but still, getting my hair cut at a place called “Beauty World” is a bit much. Aside from the general embarrassment that comes with entering an establishment called “Beauty World” by myself, the whole process is pretty uncomfortable because it’s without a doubt the fanciest place that I will ever get my hair cut in my life.
I always feel really out of place as I sit in the chandeliered waiting area in my hoodie and 1993 Chicago Bulls Championship shirt. I know the staff is confused about my presence too. I can feel it. I always think of that scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, when Ferris pretends to be the “Sausage King of Chicago” in order to get into that posh French restaurant. I just keep thinking “pretty soon they are gonna find out that I’m not the Sausage King and they are gonna give me the boot!”.
The cheapest haircut at Beauty World goes for about 200 rmb. Which sounds absurd, until you realize that it’s about 30 bucks, and not that much more than I’d spend on a regular haircut back home after tip. Still though, in terms of Chinese life, 200 rmb is a pretty sizable chunk of change. Whenever I pay, I can’t help but think what else I could buy in China for that money, like 200 steamed buns, 66 beers, a 3 hour cab ride, food for a week, I bet I could find a doctor that would perform some major transplant surgery for 200 rmb. When you start to put it in terms like this, it does admittedly become pretty hard to justify.
The hair cutting process itself is always hilarious, and as foreign to me as anything I’ve encountered in China. First off my stylist grabs a digital camera which he then shoves against my head and takes a few shots so that he can determine which shampoo will be best, and so that he can try and shame me into buying some expensive product after showing me the appallingly dry landscape of my scalp. “Princess Kate uses this one!” he says as he suggests a particularly fancy bottle of lotion for me. Now as a general rule, when Princess Kate does something, I try my best to follow suit, and while it is also comforting to know that Princess Kate’s head is also naturally a barren dry wasteland much like my own, at 500 rmb a bottle, I can never bring myself to make the purchase.
After my photo shoot, I then get my first of three shampoos. This might be normal procedure, this might just be because they consider the condition of my scalp to be an emergency. Either way, each shampoo also comes with a mini head massage, which isn’t a bad perk at all. After this comes the point where I have to tell the guy how I actually want it cut. I’ve found that the easiest most stress free way for me to do this is to bring a couple pics of myself with shorter hair to use as examples. Aside from looking pretty narcissistic when I open a folder on my tablet that is filled only with pictures of myself, I also look ridiculous because as it turns out I have very few pictures that seem appropriate to use as a template for a hair cut at Beauty World. For example, last time I used this:
The worst part about using this photo was that it didn’t even phase my hair stylist. I thought that we’d at least share a chuckle over me in front of dried fish while holding a weird little dog, but no. It was as if this was the standard form of head shot that he was accustomed to dealing with.
Once my hair actually starts to get cut, the most interesting thing is that my stylist has an assistant whose whole job is essentially to brush the hair off my shoulders. There’s something to be said for having a team of people trying to make you look better. It either makes you feel elitist or just super ugly. One other nice thing is that the staff at Beauty World speaks English, but only really knows hair related words, which is pretty perfect because who really likes small talk at the hairdresser? We’re both aware that it’s cold outside and I know you don’t really care about my job, so let’s just get this over with.
Both times I’ve hit up Beauty World the end result has been fine, but I can never really decide if I like the celebrity treatment or if I’d rather risk it at some whole in the wall on my street. I guess I just have to sit down and ask myself ”What would Princess Kate would do?”.
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- Would you feel embarrassed to get a fancy hair cut?
- What’s the most ridiculous picture of you where you hair looks good?
- What else can I do to be more like Kate Middleton?
- Whats the most you’ve ever paid for a hair cut?
- The least?
- Does small talk stress you out too?
- Remember when I was trying to learn Chinese?
