When you can’t read, eating out is stressful.
I try to only eat at restaurants with picture menus. Then I can at least point at something and have a vague idea of what it is I’ll be served. Other times though, I’ve been forced to just point at some Chinese word on a menu and hope for the best. I usually pick something in the middle of the price range. I’m not sure what is the logic behind this strategy, but it’s what I go with. The whole situation is made more comical/stressful by the fact that the waitresses always expect you to know what you want right away, and they hover over you until you make a decision. To combat this I made a point to learn the equivalent of “I need a minute” in Mandarin. They just smile and continue to watch. This seems ridiculous given that some of these restaurants have 20 page menus.
Even if I manage to choose some food in a timely manner sometimes the wait staff still has questions regarding my order. These are probably simple inquiries like “What do you want to drink?” “Do you want rice?” “Large or small? ” Whatever they ask me, I always answer with “Water” or “No”, since these are two of the newest additions to my vocabulary. Regardless, I figure that if I was asking a guy if he wanted beef or pork and he just kept saying “Water”, I’d probably just leave him the fuck alone eventually, which really is exactly what I want.
The fact that ordering food is still so embarrassing has lead to me not actually eating all that often. One trip to a restaurant a day is usually all I can summon myself to do at this point. But the food is usually good so I just tend to eat enough for three people during this one sitting, which only adds to the embarrassment of the whole event.
Anyways, despite the troubles. Here are some of the things I’ve mostly randomly chose to have put in front of me.
Noodley soup stuff
I’ll admit I put too much spicy stuff in here. Other than that there were a lot of noodles, and a decent amount of meat. Not sure what the point of the iceberg lettuce was.
Verdict: Pretty Aight.
Donkey Sandwich
When the guy who works at my hotel told me that he was gonna take me to go eat donkey, I just assumed he was wrong. Thought he probably meant duck or something. But there was a big picture of a donkey on the wall of the restaurant so, my apologies to him for underestimating his English.
Actually though, this sandwich was pretty delicious. Kind of tasted like pastrami, and the bread was really good. I’ve actually been back by myself. Donkey, how about it.
Verdict: Dank
Flat noodley stuff with squash and beef
If you’re familiar with Korean food, this basically is the Muslim Chinese version of Tteok boki. Seriously that sauce was almost the same. I also prefer the flat noodles to the rice cakes. The only downside to this was that those little noodle chunks were a major pain with the chopsticks.
Verdict: Pretty dope
Stick meat (Mutton?)
It’s everywhere. It’s dirt cheap. It’s pretty tasty.
Verdict: Clutch
Stick Scorpion
Alright so I slipped up and had a drunk Andrew Zimmern moment. Don’t tell Bourdain. Anyways, these stupid things were just crunchy and tasted like old oil.
Verdict: Nah
Beef and Pepper dumplings)
When I order dumplings I just kind of have to hope that there is good stuff inside of them. Luckily this time there was.
Verdict: All Day
Spicy Chicken stuff
Feel like this must be the thing every westerner orders, because when I chose it the waitress gave me a look as if to say “I should’ve known”. But you know what, screw her. It was delicious.
Verdict: Hella Dank!
Spicy ass mystery meat with french fries???
I pointed at some red spicy meat in the menu and when it came out (in a giant skillet mind you) it was covered in french fries. Now at first this was kind of embarrassing. There were no french fries on it in the picture, so I can’t help but wonder if they just put them on there for me. But really am I gonna sit here and complain about bonus french fries?
The meat itself was soft and chewy. Not at all sure what it was, maybe tongue or organ meat given the texture. Texture aside, it was really good. I do think it might have been the culprit regarding some of my bowel movements later in the day though.
Verdict: The shit(s)
